In an effort to highlight some of the important creative work the students at Abington High school do, we have decided to occasionally publish short works of fiction that speak to important topics in news and society. Today’s short story is brought to you by senior, Chloe Holland. 

Trigger Warning: Body Dysmorphia, Mental Health, Surgery 

“Can’t you see what is wrong with you?” The doctor held the mirror to my face, looking at me with pity. I knew I wasn’t perfect, or beautiful, but I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me until then. “Your nose is far too big, your lips too thin, your face too droopy, your cheeks too full, your jawline too soft, oh how I can fix you! Don’t you see? I can make you beautiful!” The doctor quickly shifted her pity and underlying disgust to persuasion, trying to make me see what was so wrong with the face made by my mother and my father, my grandmother and grandfather, and all those who came before me.  

I looked in the mirror, and I felt such horror, my nose was too big, my lips were quite small, my face did droop a bit, my cheeks were chubby and full, and my jawline was far from sharp. “I see it in your eyes, you see it too my dear.” The doctor said, “Oh and it doesn’t stop there! Why, your chest is too small, no man would ever look! Your stomach far too plump, your bum far too small, why, you’re not perfect! Anything but! But I can make you perfect, just like how everyone looks.” I knew I was never as attractive as others, but now, all I could think was how perfect everyone else was but me. I had been born with the anguish and deformity of being me.  

I dropped the mirror down to my lap, sitting in the doctor’s chair after seeing how wrong my face truly was; so unsightly and painful to the eye. How had I never realized? I looked at the doctor, tears in my eyes, making my unsightly skin wrinkle and crinkle, my lips turned to a frown making lines in my face. The doctor had taut, tight skin, plump lips so full they could be blisters, not one wrinkle, crinkle, nor line or mark, with a nose so thin and delicate I wondered how she breathed. Her eyes so pulled back I wondered how she could blink, it made her uncanny. Her body so thin and stark, like a sculpture of a ballerina, almost inhuman. In fact, she didn’t look human. She looked perfect.  

I looked at me, then at her, oh why, she could give me the perfection people love. People would love me! Men would take me out, people would hold the door for me, I could get any job I want, other women would like me, and I’d be one of the girls, people would love me for me! The life I dreamed of, of perfection and beauty was right Infront of me! How could I not see! The doctor shoved paperwork in my face, “I can see it in your eyes darling, you want this so badly! I can make you perfect, just like me.” In a haze of ecstasy and excitement at the thought of my life as a perfect woman, I signed oh so fast, giddy with excitement for the perfection that would cross my path! 

The day of my fixing came oh so fast, I could hardly sleep! I threw out all the pictures of the “old” me, deleted all of them off my phone, told everyone I knew, I’d be perfect soon, just like them! As I laid awake in my bed, I caught my reflection, and it made me feel quite bad. I had my mommy’s eyes, my daddy’s nose. My mommy’s sweet lips, my daddy’s big smile, my face was round and precious like my grandma’s, and I had my grandpa’s wrinkles and crinkles he got from a life of smiles and love. What oh what had I done? I was in such a panic, I looked in the mirror, horror mixed with fondness. Maybe it was just anxiety, cold feet, this would be for the better! I calmed my mind, and went to sleep, but was still uncertain, and felt such guilt.  

The day had come, yet I wasn’t so excited. Too late to turn back down, I went and got started. I brushed my teeth, looking in the mirror as my lips twisted and contorted as I brushed my teeth, the same lips I had as a little girl that I used to give my cat kisses. My eyes stared back at me, uncertain and betrayed, my reflection was to go away. My big nose I had used to smell flowers and breathe the air I needed to live, had seemingly overnight began to suit my face, my big round cheeks that would blush from compliments and swell up when I smiled gave my face such a comfy center. I swallowed my fear, telling myself I am being sappy and sentimental, and headed to the doctor to be fixed.  

I sat in that same chair where I was taught to hate myself, strapped down and naked. I felt so scared. The doctor stood above me, her perfection turned to horror as she injected me with something that made me awfully sleepy. “You’ll wake up and be perfect.” She said as I drifted off, already missing who I was. What had compelled me to do this, why did I feel the need to be so perfect? I spent my whole life feeling so empty and sad, distained and ugly, but everything beautiful about me was with me my whole life. I wasn’t perfect, I was me.  

I woke up, oh I had never felt such pain. My face mangled and tight, my lips felt swollen, my nose so small I could barely breath, my jaw so snatched I felt as if it’d tear if I opened my mouth to scream. My body felt tight and constricted, as if it had been choking. Incision marks covered my body; the wounds of my beauty being taken. My chest cut opened and stuffed like a toy. It felt so heavy on my heart. Did being perfect hurt this much? The doctor came in and said, “Ah you’re awake! You’re no longer painful to look at! You are perfect.” She handed me a mirror, and god what had I done? I looked inhuman, nothing like me. If this was everyone’s perfect, it was my nightmare. My mommy’s eyes I had my whole life were stretched wide and taut, my daddy’s nose I carried and breathed with my whole life had been butchered into a sliver, my lips were so swollen it looked as if they had been lit on fire, turned to horrible blisters. My full cheeks were gutted and hallowed out like a fish. I looked like a corpse prepared for burial. 

 I had murdered the little girl who grew up into the woman I was, and replaced her body with a plastic monster that was supposed to fix everything, yet destroyed everything.